[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
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Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Don’t touch that.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I want to meet the individual who made this
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.