Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
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I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.