cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
You Might Also Like
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.