Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
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Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying