5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
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WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
This January has 47 Mondays
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.