Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
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For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
This pepper has seen some shit
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
seems like a niche market