How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
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I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.