If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
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My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.