I bet
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Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
We’ve all been there
Holy crap this is wonderful
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
The pen is writier than the sword.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.