Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
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[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Proctology is located in A55
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
This headline is a thing of beauty
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.