Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
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judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Me My dog
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