me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
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the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.