[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
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Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.