To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
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I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.