The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
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Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.