Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
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Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride