It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
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My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Fluff me with a fork baby
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.