Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
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My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
me doing my best
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.