my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
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[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”