Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
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One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Fiction has to make sense.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
i dont have time for this
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.