Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
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Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
The symmetry is uncanny.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore