Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
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If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type