That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
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Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
crochet youtube is brutal
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad