i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
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Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?