Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Liquor Store Parking
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!