Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
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If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.