You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
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I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?