Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
You Might Also Like
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.