Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
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I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”