I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
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Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
How long do you have to wait between naps?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.