If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
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My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Was it something I said?
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.