“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
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ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.