Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
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– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming