The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
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Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.