Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
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At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Rich people don’t understand cereal
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!