Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
You Might Also Like
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
goldfish mafia
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.