*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
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Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
This could’ve been an email.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day