why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
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Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
estão todos miauvindo?
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.