As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
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I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Go girl power!
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
lol
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*