New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
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[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot