How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
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The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
mariah carrie
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.