My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
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All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
rise and shine we got egg
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Holy crap this is wonderful
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by