Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
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Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.