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Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Said the murderer.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.