me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
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When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Generation gap…
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
How to properly lift a body
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
🤣😂🤣
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.