Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
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Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.