We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
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Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Breaking news:
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
the greatest twitter interaction