Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
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Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Please do it!
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.