Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
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[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Bike for sale
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
*gets down on one knee*
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.