As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
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Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.